Atonement

As millions of Jews around the world observe Yom Kippur, the “Day of Atonement,” I think about how this day is so frequently misunderstood.

What’s an L.A. Jew to do on Yom Kippur if they don’t go to synagogue? in the LA Times beautifully covered the authentic and diverse ways of observing this time of year that reflects the lived reality of so many.

Yes, I’m on the record in a national paper as a Jewish atheist who doesn’t fast on Yom Kippur, and proud of it!

But don’t think for a second that these facts take away from Yom Kippur being a deeply meaningful day to me and so many others.

My late Bubby and Papa hosted massive catered break-the-fasts every Yom Kippur, with sometimes over 100 people in attendance, a tradition my family’s continued on a slightly scaled-back basis now that we’re on the other side of lockdowns. Yom Kippur’s second only to Passover in the pantheon of my family’s holiday gatherings.

Yom Kippur also has a profound tradition of remembering lost loved ones (the yizkor service at the end of Yom Kippur day services - just before breaking one’s fast - is when it’s often observed) that carries greater meaning for me after losing so many loved ones across the past decade. I’m grateful that Jewish culture set aside an annual time for managing grief for everyone, not just on the yahrzeit, the annual anniversary of a loved one’s passing, that’s often experienced alone.

Hearing “Kol Nidre” on the cello and listening to “Avinu Malkeinu” instantly brings memories of my Bubby. The deluge of emotion often opens a floodgate of tears, whether I’m in a synagogue or streaming the music.

Yet a big focus of the “Day of Atonement” is centered on the asking for forgiveness from those we love, from a divine being (if we’re theist, which many of us aren’t), and the wider world.

But it’s not the Christian-normative concept of forgiveness, an idea that often seeps into American understanding of this day because we’re in a Christian-dominant culture. We’ve all seen it: families forgiving cops for murdering loved ones out of racial bias/animus, survivors forgiving their rapists, etc.

If that’s what they wish to do in order to move on in their lives, that’s fine, but that’s absolutely not what forgiveness means to me and many others.

I’ll never forget the day in 2013 when someone told me that I *had* to forgive my aunt’s estranged husband for killing her just months prior if I was ever going to heal.

“Oprah said that’s what we have to do.”

In the decade since Michelle’s murder, I’ve found ways to having a fulfilling life that don’t require me to forgive the monster who turned my life upside down. Therapy, a meaningful career, a wonderful husband and his family, and keeping a north star of the values that inspire me to get up every day empower me to live without needing to forgive, to live without being completely consumed by justifiable rage and anger.

As so much in life, two conflicting things can coexist at the same time.

While Judaism doesn’t obligate that we forgive others, I love that there’s a tradition that allows for introspection, that can inspire us to make amends when possible and to do better. It may indeed mean that we actually forgive people who have wronged us.

Judaism isn’t the only civilization to offer this tradition, but it’s one I’m glad I can celebrate and honor every year.

G’mar chatima tova, “may you have a good final sealing [in the Book of Life]” to all observing, and to the non-Jewish allies reading these words: thank you for giving us Jews the blessing of acceptance and inclusion during these holy days.

(I also suggest reading Yom Kippur: How It Changes Us by Rabbi Jonathan Sacks - despite its use of a gendered God - and Viddui on Behalf of American Jews for enabling Israel’s anti-democratic powers and the ongoing Occupation.)

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